POLITICAL COLUMN

Welcome, governors. Cash only

Close

Send to a friendWelcome, governors. Cash only

  • Please enter your e-mail
    Invalid e-mail
  • Please enter a valid e-mail
    Invalid e-mail
Cancel
  • 15 Comments
A state capitol building is seen at night. | AP Photo
Shouldn't they be home chopping up the furniture in their state capitols for firewood? | AP Photo Close

Dear governors, welcome to Washington! We are delighted you are visiting us for the National Governors Association Winter Meeting this weekend.

Now go home. Immediately.

Text Size

  • -
  • +
  • reset

Get Adobe Flash player

How did you get here in the first place? Where did you get the money? Haven’t you been reading the news reports? Your states are broke, busted, insolvent. You are out of dough, greenbacks, scratch, cabbage, moolah.

Did you fly here? I hope not. And I sure hope you did not pay extra for a pillow. Angry crowds may surround your plane when you return home. I suppose some of you took the train, in which case you might arrive by the weekend after next.

And those of you who drove (as if), have you noticed the spike in gas prices this week? You may have come here in a limo, but you’ll be thumbing a ride home.

I know why you came. I went to the official NGA website and read that Saturday’s opening plenary session “will conclude with remarks from Zhou Qiang, the party secretary of the Hunan Provincial Committee. Secretary Zhou is leading a delegation of Chinese officials interested in establishing a subnational dialogue with NGA.”

I have obtained an advance copy of Secretary Zhou’s speech. It is titled: “We Will Buy You All, You Pathetic Running Dogs of Failed Capitalism.”

It starts with a joke: An American governor and a Chinese provincial governor go into a bar.

The American governor says, “I will buy you a beer.”

The Chinese provincial governor says: “Where would you get that kind of money?”

I went to the website of the Pew Center on the States and read that there is a gap of $1 trillion between what the states have set aside and what they owe their workers’ retirement funds.

In the old days, do you know what they called people who ran up $1 trillion in bills and didn’t have the money to pay them? Lindsay Lohan.

Do you know what they call them today? Governors.

We are talking real trouble. In Wisconsin, workers are planning to occupy the state capitol and sell naming rights to the dome.

Which may not be a bad idea. As Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman, the NGA vice chairman, said: “The NGA Winter Meeting gives governors the opportunity to exchange ideas as well as to discuss our shared policy challenges and effective solutions.”

So I have some suggested topics for NGA breakout sessions:

• How Much Can I Get for a State Highway, and Do We Have to Keep Painting the White Lines?

• Can I Sell All the State Office Buildings on “Pawn Stars”?

• State Parks. Who Needs Them?

I cannot figure out why you people became governors in the first place. Why didn’t you take on an easy job like running Libya?

The NGA’s current motto is: “The Collective Voice of the Nation’s Governors.”

After this weekend, the motto may be: “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”

The D.C. tourism industry is very happy the governors are coming to spend their last few dollars on fancy hotel rooms and miniature booze and Snickers from their mini-bars. But there is a new rule this year: cash only. We don’t take checks, credit cards or IOUs from governors.

Nothing personal. But considering that President Barack Obama’s new federal budget slashes home heating aid for the poor by 50 percent, you people should be back home chopping up the furniture in your state capitols for firewood.

But what the heck. After all, tomorrow is another day. And you didn’t become a governor because you thought the job was easy. You became a governor so someday you could run for president.

So kick back. I am not saying there is no hope.

According to a recent report, states are quietly seeking a way to declare bankruptcy so they don’t have to pay the pensions of retired public workers. I assume the governors will be employing the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

Roger Simon is POLITICO’s chief political columnist.

  • 15 Comments
Get reporter alerts
  • Roger Simon

Readers' Comments (15)

  1. avatar for user rigel
    rigel
    Party: Democrat
    Reply #1
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 7:18 AM EST
  2. avatar for user jackieaxe
    jackieaxe
    Party: Libertarian
    Reply #2
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 11:21 AM EST
  3. default avatar for user Black and Gold Brad
    Black and Gold Brad
    Party: Conservative
    Reply #3
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 12:14 PM EST
  4. avatar for user rigel
    rigel
    Party: Democrat
    Reply #4
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 12:14 PM EST
  5. avatar for user OldeGrump
    OldeGrump
    Party: Republican
    Reply #5
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 12:20 PM EST
  6. default avatar for user ardy
    ardy
    Party: Independent
    Reply #6
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 1:00 PM EST
  7. default avatar for user Boss Hawg
    Boss Hawg
    Party: Democrat
    Reply #7
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 1:22 PM EST
  8. default avatar for user zentrails
    zentrails
    Party: NA
    Reply #8
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 1:27 PM EST
  9. default avatar for user zentrails
    zentrails
    Party: NA
    Reply #9
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 1:29 PM EST
  10. default avatar for user Pistol.357 SIG
    Pistol.357 SIG
    Party: NA
    Reply #10
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 6:39 PM EST
  11. default avatar for user Pistol.357 SIG
    Pistol.357 SIG
    Party: NA
    Reply #11
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 6:40 PM EST
  12. default avatar for user ed762
    ed762
    Party: NA
    Reply #12
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 7:17 PM EST
  13. default avatar for user Ken in Grand Rapids
    Ken in Grand Rapids
    Party: Independent
    Reply #13
    Feb. 25, 2011 - 10:11 PM EST
  14. avatar for user OldeGrump
    OldeGrump
    Party: Republican
    Reply #14
    Feb. 28, 2011 - 5:34 AM EST
  15. avatar for user OldeGrump
    OldeGrump
    Party: Republican
    Reply #15
    Feb. 28, 2011 - 5:48 AM EST
Read all 15 comments in our forum

You must be logged in to comment

  • Email is Required
  • Password is Required

Not yet a member?

Register Now

Comment on this article

  1. Message is Required
    (9000 characters max)
  2. (200 characters max)

Roger Simon

  • Roger Simon
  • Get the Widget
Hear POLITICO on-demand from your smartphone
Get Adobe Flash player

Pollitico

Walking the line
Should the FEC crack down on presidential prospects who sidestep questions about their intentions?

Wuerking Drawings

Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
Wuerker Cartoon
See all