Strait of Hormuz. If you're going to bring the "shit Republican candidates say" snark, best you get your facts right.

Cheer up none of them believe, as does President Obama, that America has 57 states. Now thats incredibly stupid, but hey he's an Ivy Leaguer. I for one am amazed that America has a lot of religious people who feel free to exercise their religion and espouse their views. I mean its not like the Pilgrims, Puritans, Quakers etc. fled here and founded the country based on religious freedom. Hmm, wait...thats exactly what its like. As far as this field being unqualified? We have a President that failed as a law review editor; failed as a community activist; failed as a Con. Law Professor; failed as a State Senator; failed as Federal Senator, but that was all forgiven because no one reads someone else's words from a teleprompter better. Wow is he great or what. Compared to Romney who was a succesful businesman, saved the Salt Lake City Olympics and turned a profit and was a very good Governor in a state in which he had no legislative support and had to depend on bipartisanship why wouldn't we choose Obama again. After all Gasoline at $1.78 a gallon in a thriving economy isn't anwhere near as good as the $3.50 we're paying in a failed economy. You go Obama!

Laughed out loud reading this from, thankfully, this side of the pond. The Republicans appear to be in danger of becoming a religious sect melded into a party with unstinting support for big business and suspcion for all things un-American apart from the Vienna School on political economy which has been transplanted into the Chicago School of thought. I don't know whether to think 'God bless America' or 'God save America' but as I don't believe in God then I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Can we have a sweepstake? First candidate to get caught on his knees in a bathroom stall.

Corporations are people, my friend.

Y'know, if that had been said on a Channel 4 mockumentary about American politics it would've been laughed off as unrealistic.

Am I the only person who wakes up and prods his mirror every morning with the hope I'll fall back into the normal world and leave Wonderland behind?

"Life begins at incorporation."

As far as I'm concerned, that line is now in the public domain. Over my shoulder I fleetingly congratulate you on it as I rush off to repeat it everywhere.

I thought the GOP was all for small government and less state interference in perople's lives but it seems they want to legislate to make sure that nobody is having any non state approved sex and if they are having non state approved sex that they can't use contraception ( because that's not approved of t either).

Meanwhile if all this non state approved sex that people aren't supposed to be having leads to non state approved pregnancy then the state will certainly not approve either abortion or any financial or practical help in feeding, housing or providing care for the children ( though they will ensure that said children get a good grounding in the state approved religion... which is odd because there isn't supposed to be a state approved religion). If the consequence of non state approved sex is an STD well! That just goes to show that sex is BAD doesn't it?

In fact sex is SO bad that women shouldn't even be allowed to get smear tests or mamograms for free in PP clinics cos just possessiong sexual organs is dissaproved of so maintaining them must be beyond the pale!

Meanwhile if the non state approved sex is with a partner of the same gender everyone will clutch their pearls and faint.

Oh but if you have tons of money you can have all the sex you want and get any little problems sorted out in luxury clinics or by top flight lawyers depending on whether it's an STD an unexected foetus or a nasty scandal of the " Live boy or dead girl" variety.

did anyone else read this and in thier head was hearing the flat monotone yet judging style of a 1920's temperance radio message?

Wonderland? Wasn't that where little Velma used to work?

Tough to choose a frontrunner out of that bunch of closet cases

Saintslad:

Strait of Hormuz. If you're going to bring the "shit Republican candidates say" snark, best you get your facts right

It's called making a pun.

Religious conservatism, homophobia, Islamophobia, anti-poor, anti-black: I think the overall problem is that Republicans have to pretend to be this daft in order to garner votes from right-wingers.

The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk.

GARRISON KEILLOR, "We're Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore," In These Times

They really don't need to say anything.The republican primary now consists entirely of dog whistles and god whistles.

I'm starting to thing he doesn't believe in evolution because it simply passed him by.

Now, Newt Gingrich claims he loved his country sooo much, it lead him to cheat on his wives

Uh... how can I say this diplomatically? If you are going to slag off the Republicans' candidates - and I myself have been firing broadsides at the GOP for the best part of a decade now - it is probably best to ensure that your own spelling and grammar are correct. Thus, "I'm starting to think" and "it led him to cheat."
Apart from that, quite an enjoyable article - the rather scary thing is that it would not surprise anyone if a Republican candidate were actually to believe that there is a connection between 'strait' and 'straight', such is the level of intellectual decline in that Party. I also think that given the aggressive Puritanism and fanaticism of so many in US politics that it would be an appropriate time to try remaking The Handmaid's Tale, perhaps for the small screen.

Newt Gingrich Blames Repeated Adultery On Loving America Too Much - that is some chutzpah. Sounds like something from The Onion.

Wow - that was a telling correction. You sure made them look dumb.

I think the phrase 'for comic effect' may have passed you by.

'I'm starting to think he doesn't believe in evolution because it simply passed him by.'

Agreed!

Thanks for bringing some much-needed humor into the grim world of the Republican primary. I could barely sit through one televised debate. The bigotry these men spout out is very hard to stomach.

Still bloody cheap petrol!

All very scary people, the only plus point is how insular the republican candidates are. Perhaps whoever wins will drag the USA back to its isolationist past and the world will be able to get along together without sexually repressed gun-crazed religious maniacs.

Sh*t Republican candidates say, demoncrates are more celebral in their rethoric but as an administration are pretty Sh*t as well. two big piles steaming together.

Brava! That was spot-on. Circulated widely. Thanks so much.

I think thats the core of it. I read somewhere that Dubya was actually quite smart and he toned it down for his audience. Now whether thats true or not is another thing, but the ploy is plausible;

"All propaganda has to be popular and has to adapt its spiritual level to the perception of the least intelligent of those towards whom it intends to direct itself."
-Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf ("My Struggle")

Given the way the UK and Europe in general has moved towards discarding religious conservatism & homophobia I can't imagine the USA has remained stationary. Surely these guys must be getting the hint that these aren't immediate vote-grabbers anymore?

doh, shoot the editor not the writer for that one

So you're saying I have a choice between someone who says unpopular thiings about sex yet will never be able to actually do anything about it and a President who signs laws that take away my civil liberties (although reluctantly *wink* *wink*)

Plus if you listen to CSPAN instead of the edited crap that makes the lefties all mad they actually do say some interesting things about government too.

Strait of Hormuz. If you're going to bring the "shit Republican candidates say" snark, best you get your facts right.

I think perhaps that was a joke. This is a satirical piece, I would say. Not a nuanced, moderate discussion of the candidates. Not that any of the politicians mentioned deserve to be taken seriously. For example, to come out against contraception is a bizarre stance for a politician in a modern, civilised country. As the article says, the only one who sounds remotely like the voice of reason polls 2%, a fact which speaks for itself eloquently.

Well, it WAS a pretty dumb miss on my part. And we do appreciate users pick up on our slips so we can fix them, so I'm taking Saintslad's comment, er, straight.

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Glad u like. Good humor writing is really, really hard. Lizz's copy is the best that's ever been on my desk.

This is the sort of article you only meet in the Guardian once every 38 minutes

as in.....duh, i thin the democrates are the better of the two because they say things i wanna hear. Ultimately both parties are really the same in policy, the other chaps just make you feel better.

by . . . my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists

you missed one there, Lizz

come on please, some Republican: tell me how you can have secular atheist country (which I'd very much like) that is "dominated by Islamists" (i.e. dominated by non-secular anti-atheist religious people, much like the Christian right) which I don't and wouldn't like at all.

slight contradiction there, isn't there?

(please note, "dominated" by Islamists is not the same as tolerating the idiots, any more than tolerating Christian or Jewish idiots should mean being dominated by them)

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These politicans make George W. Bush seem like a wise man.

The race for the Republican nomination met Poe's Law, took it out for a drink, and is now in the midst of a year-long shag fest with it.

I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American... Newt

I have to say the atheist radical Islamists scare the bejesus out of me!

We have a President that failed as a law review editor; failed as a community activist; failed as a Con. Law Professor; failed as a State Senator; failed as Federal Senator, but that was all forgiven because no one reads someone else's words from a teleprompter better.

He failed at all those things, eh? By what criteria? If you're going to dismiss someone's entire career, please back your points up with research. As for reading speeches, which presidents in recent memory - or ever - have both written their own and delivered them from memory? Get a clue. Or, even better, a coherent argument.

come on please, some Republican: tell me how you can have secular atheist country (which I'd very much like) that is "dominated by Islamists" (i.e. dominated by non-secular anti-atheist religious people, much like the Christian right) which I don't and wouldn't like at all.

The idea is that those with strong beliefs will dominate those without.

I don't necessarily agree, but that is the argument.

Also Ron Paul's position is that the individual states should be free to make different laws about sexual matters, which is consistent with libertarianism, and Mitt Romney was making a perfectly reasonable comment that taxing corporations is not a magic solution that hurts nobody, since corporations are composed of people and....

... yeah whatever never mind. Wake me when the next unforgettable CiF article on the Republican lineup arrives at around 10.12 pm

Lizz's copy is the best that's ever been on my desk.

Yes, it's a great copy of the standard Guardian article on the US election.

If they're so unforgettable, why are you here?

Do I detect a certain barely-unvoiced tension in Ms. Winstead's article? It certainly does seem to protrude.

I did quite enjoy the piece, though; certainly an entertaining little diversion. Though in reference to her last paragraph, I'd prefer hearing about all of the mentioned varieties. Just perhaps not from stodgy, middle-aged, repressed old men.

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Really? I think they're all mental and I was still cringing through the majority of the piece. Mostly childish I would have said. Could just be a difference in what makes us laugh I guess.

made I larf !

01.) Yes, on the campaign trail, a tired-from-travel Obama said “57” instead of “47” states. A gaff he quickly made fun of himself for making. Is Bush still misunderestimating how our children are learning? He’s an Ivy Leaguer too, ya know.
02.) Nobody’s against Americans espousing their religious views. The problem lies in these extremists and their ilk forcing their views on the rest of us in the forms of laws. What about that religious freedom you mention?
03.) I lived in Massachusetts for the entirety of Mitt’s governorship. He was a joke. He spent huge chunks of time flying around the nation badmouthing Massachusetts. He did manage to craft a system that’s pretty close to the “Obamacare” you probably fear more than cancer.

If they're so unforgettable, why are you here

Why does Will Smith keep going I Am Legend.?

Because hope springs eternal in the human breast, even when surrounded by zombie breasts. (So to speak. Not a nice image.)

And he likes blowing them up with claymore mines, of course.

Typhaeon:

Do I detect a certain barely-unvoiced tension in Ms. Winstead's article?

It is possible: many of those quoted are clearly detached from reality. Given that they are contesting the most powerful office in the world, with implications for everybody, I think a lot of people are anxious.

I think Tom Chivers has probably called it right:

nowadays, to get far in the Republican party, you can’t be part of what George Bush might call the reality-based community. It’s a worrying state of affairs: America is becoming an intellectual two-speed nation, with a technocratic, informed elite and a scientifically illiterate rump who are falling behind economically in their increasingly knowledge-based economy. The GOP is increasingly the party of the uneducated: it’s bad enough for them, but if it means voting stupid people, or people who are pretending to be stupid, into the most powerful office in the world, it’s bad for the rest of us too.

Perhaps whoever wins will drag the USA back to its isolationist past and the world will be able to get along together without sexually repressed gun-crazed religious maniacs.

I hate to break it to you, but sexually repressed gun-crazed religious maniacs are by no means an American monopoly. You will find plenty such in countries such as Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Northern Ireland, Somalia, Iraq, Iran, Sudan, Pakistan, India, Spain, South Africa...

It's funny because she says "shit"...

Why does Will Smith keep going I Am Legend.?

Because hope springs eternal in the human breast, even when surrounded by zombie breasts. (So to speak. Not a nice image.)

And he likes blowing them up with claymore mines, of course.

You do know that that film is fiction, right?

Right?