And then, there were six.
After Iowa, we are left with a half-dozen halfwits who want to defeat Barack Obama and become leader of the free world. These are the Top Dogs, the Pick of the Kitty Litter, the Jewels in the Clown.
So, how did these masterful hatesmen earn their coveted place in the Cream of the Crap? With their unwavering obsession with sex. All kinds of sex. Same sex, opposite sex, sex with animals.
Oh, and Muslims. But not Muslim sex. Not yet, anyway. There is so much to talk about when it comes to gay sex that they probably just haven't gotten around to it. But they will. If they know nothing about something, they always make time to spout off about it.
So, after watching 15 debates, I can't help but ask myself, "Is this the only time in their lives they are allowed talk about sex?" and "Why do guys with no access to my lady junk spend more time talking about it than guys that do?"
If you haven't been following all the Republican pillow talk, good for you. You probably have access to better porn. Here are some highlights that stuck with me like a cactus vibrator.
Let's start with Rick Santorum.
Now, aside from believing same-sex marriage leads to man-on-dog sex, (yes, it has gotten so insane that claiming same-sex marriage leads to man-on-dog sex has been relegated to an aside), Sick Rantorum also believes contraception is pubic enemy No 1:
One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It's not OK. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
Huh, I always thought the only thing sex was supposed to be was consensual. I will say, however, we may see an uptick in abstinence across the board if this sweater-vested Puritan with breeding hips keeps incessantly prattling on about it.
And Rick Perry, the poor dear.
This Dollar Store version of George Bush just keeps trying. He doesn't want the gays getting hitched, OR serving in the military. I mean, it is called the Strait of Hormuz, after all. But Rick has really got his manties in a wad over teaching the theory of evolution in schools.
I am a firm believer in intelligent design as a matter of faith and intellect, and I believe it should be presented in schools alongside the theories of evolution.
It's a theory that's out there. It's got some gaps in it. In Texas, we teach both creationism and evolution.
Yes, he prefers the fact-based "snake convinces the bad lady to eat the apple" story. I'm starting to thing he doesn't believe in evolution because it simply passed him by.
Now, Newt Gingrich claims he loved his country sooo much, it lead him to cheat on his wives. Yes, wives. He is on his third. She seems healthy.
There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.
It makes me wonder whether, if he is not cheating on his current wife, this should call his patriotism into question, thus making him unqualified to lead. But Newt sees a few threats in this country that could make us all cheat on America:
There is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment.
But it's not just the gays who are planning to violently harass us with wedding invitations. Oh no …
I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.
These two statements confuse me because I am not sure who I should be more afraid of: the gay secular fascists or the radical Islamists? Or worse, what if the gay radical Islamists took over? Those guys are vicious: they get gay-married at 10am and then they stone themselves to death in the town square at noon.
On to Ron Paul, the libertarian in the race who believes that the government should totally get out of people's lives – as long as their lives don't involve sex. Then, the government should be all up in that shit. He is unique in that his racist newsletters, coupled with his staunch antiwar stance, have won him the undying support of that coveted "racist pacifist" faction of the American electorate.
The smartest of this bunch – although that is like being the smartest Real Housewife of Beverly Hills – is Jon Huntsman.
We have people on the Republican side too far to the right. We have zero substance. We have no good ideas that are being circulated or talking about that allow the country to get back on its feet economically so we begin creating jobs.
He currently is polling nationally at 2%.
But Mitt Romney still remains the frontrunner. He is not as sex-obsessed as some of his rivals. He is a man of the people. The people who run Fortune 500 companies.
Just ask him, he'll tell ya:
Corporations are people, my friend.
He says it loud: "I'm in the black and I'm proud."
Now, the good news about this statement is that it should end the abortion debate once and for all: "Life begins at incorporation." The bad news is, if corporations are indeed people, we need Planned Parenthood more than ever.
Silver lining is that Americans are fed up and are seeing these guys for who they are: unqualified extremists and book hawking scalawags.
We would like to hear about jobs. Real jobs. Not the ones that involve the words "hand" or "blow".
Comments
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10 January 2012 8:50PM
Strait of Hormuz. If you're going to bring the "shit Republican candidates say" snark, best you get your facts right.
10 January 2012 8:57PM
Cheer up none of them believe, as does President Obama, that America has 57 states. Now thats incredibly stupid, but hey he's an Ivy Leaguer. I for one am amazed that America has a lot of religious people who feel free to exercise their religion and espouse their views. I mean its not like the Pilgrims, Puritans, Quakers etc. fled here and founded the country based on religious freedom. Hmm, wait...thats exactly what its like. As far as this field being unqualified? We have a President that failed as a law review editor; failed as a community activist; failed as a Con. Law Professor; failed as a State Senator; failed as Federal Senator, but that was all forgiven because no one reads someone else's words from a teleprompter better. Wow is he great or what. Compared to Romney who was a succesful businesman, saved the Salt Lake City Olympics and turned a profit and was a very good Governor in a state in which he had no legislative support and had to depend on bipartisanship why wouldn't we choose Obama again. After all Gasoline at $1.78 a gallon in a thriving economy isn't anwhere near as good as the $3.50 we're paying in a failed economy. You go Obama!
10 January 2012 8:59PM
Laughed out loud reading this from, thankfully, this side of the pond. The Republicans appear to be in danger of becoming a religious sect melded into a party with unstinting support for big business and suspcion for all things un-American apart from the Vienna School on political economy which has been transplanted into the Chicago School of thought. I don't know whether to think 'God bless America' or 'God save America' but as I don't believe in God then I suppose it doesn't really matter.
10 January 2012 8:59PM
Can we have a sweepstake? First candidate to get caught on his knees in a bathroom stall.
10 January 2012 9:00PM
Y'know, if that had been said on a Channel 4 mockumentary about American politics it would've been laughed off as unrealistic.
Am I the only person who wakes up and prods his mirror every morning with the hope I'll fall back into the normal world and leave Wonderland behind?
10 January 2012 9:03PM
As far as I'm concerned, that line is now in the public domain. Over my shoulder I fleetingly congratulate you on it as I rush off to repeat it everywhere.
10 January 2012 9:04PM
I thought the GOP was all for small government and less state interference in perople's lives but it seems they want to legislate to make sure that nobody is having any non state approved sex and if they are having non state approved sex that they can't use contraception ( because that's not approved of t either).
Meanwhile if all this non state approved sex that people aren't supposed to be having leads to non state approved pregnancy then the state will certainly not approve either abortion or any financial or practical help in feeding, housing or providing care for the children ( though they will ensure that said children get a good grounding in the state approved religion... which is odd because there isn't supposed to be a state approved religion). If the consequence of non state approved sex is an STD well! That just goes to show that sex is BAD doesn't it?
In fact sex is SO bad that women shouldn't even be allowed to get smear tests or mamograms for free in PP clinics cos just possessiong sexual organs is dissaproved of so maintaining them must be beyond the pale!
Meanwhile if the non state approved sex is with a partner of the same gender everyone will clutch their pearls and faint.
Oh but if you have tons of money you can have all the sex you want and get any little problems sorted out in luxury clinics or by top flight lawyers depending on whether it's an STD an unexected foetus or a nasty scandal of the " Live boy or dead girl" variety.
10 January 2012 9:04PM
did anyone else read this and in thier head was hearing the flat monotone yet judging style of a 1920's temperance radio message?
10 January 2012 9:05PM
Wonderland? Wasn't that where little Velma used to work?
10 January 2012 9:05PM
Tough to choose a frontrunner out of that bunch of closet cases
10 January 2012 9:06PM
Saintslad:
It's called making a pun.
Religious conservatism, homophobia, Islamophobia, anti-poor, anti-black: I think the overall problem is that Republicans have to pretend to be this daft in order to garner votes from right-wingers.
10 January 2012 9:06PM
The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk.
GARRISON KEILLOR, "We're Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore," In These Times
10 January 2012 9:08PM
They really don't need to say anything.The republican primary now consists entirely of dog whistles and god whistles.
10 January 2012 9:08PM
Uh... how can I say this diplomatically? If you are going to slag off the Republicans' candidates - and I myself have been firing broadsides at the GOP for the best part of a decade now - it is probably best to ensure that your own spelling and grammar are correct. Thus, "I'm starting to think" and "it led him to cheat."
Apart from that, quite an enjoyable article - the rather scary thing is that it would not surprise anyone if a Republican candidate were actually to believe that there is a connection between 'strait' and 'straight', such is the level of intellectual decline in that Party. I also think that given the aggressive Puritanism and fanaticism of so many in US politics that it would be an appropriate time to try remaking The Handmaid's Tale, perhaps for the small screen.
10 January 2012 9:09PM
Newt Gingrich Blames Repeated Adultery On Loving America Too Much - that is some chutzpah. Sounds like something from The Onion.
10 January 2012 9:10PM
Wow - that was a telling correction. You sure made them look dumb.
10 January 2012 9:11PM
I think the phrase 'for comic effect' may have passed you by.
10 January 2012 9:11PM
'I'm starting to think he doesn't believe in evolution because it simply passed him by.'
Agreed!
Thanks for bringing some much-needed humor into the grim world of the Republican primary. I could barely sit through one televised debate. The bigotry these men spout out is very hard to stomach.
10 January 2012 9:12PM
Still bloody cheap petrol!
10 January 2012 9:13PM
All very scary people, the only plus point is how insular the republican candidates are. Perhaps whoever wins will drag the USA back to its isolationist past and the world will be able to get along together without sexually repressed gun-crazed religious maniacs.
10 January 2012 9:14PM
Sh*t Republican candidates say, demoncrates are more celebral in their rethoric but as an administration are pretty Sh*t as well. two big piles steaming together.
10 January 2012 9:14PM
Brava! That was spot-on. Circulated widely. Thanks so much.
10 January 2012 9:14PM
I think thats the core of it. I read somewhere that Dubya was actually quite smart and he toned it down for his audience. Now whether thats true or not is another thing, but the ploy is plausible;
Given the way the UK and Europe in general has moved towards discarding religious conservatism & homophobia I can't imagine the USA has remained stationary. Surely these guys must be getting the hint that these aren't immediate vote-grabbers anymore?
10 January 2012 9:16PM
doh, shoot the editor not the writer for that one
10 January 2012 9:18PM
So you're saying I have a choice between someone who says unpopular thiings about sex yet will never be able to actually do anything about it and a President who signs laws that take away my civil liberties (although reluctantly *wink* *wink*)
Plus if you listen to CSPAN instead of the edited crap that makes the lefties all mad they actually do say some interesting things about government too.
10 January 2012 9:19PM
I think perhaps that was a joke. This is a satirical piece, I would say. Not a nuanced, moderate discussion of the candidates. Not that any of the politicians mentioned deserve to be taken seriously. For example, to come out against contraception is a bizarre stance for a politician in a modern, civilised country. As the article says, the only one who sounds remotely like the voice of reason polls 2%, a fact which speaks for itself eloquently.
10 January 2012 9:19PM
Well, it WAS a pretty dumb miss on my part. And we do appreciate users pick up on our slips so we can fix them, so I'm taking Saintslad's comment, er, straight.
10 January 2012 9:19PM
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10 January 2012 9:20PM
Glad u like. Good humor writing is really, really hard. Lizz's copy is the best that's ever been on my desk.
10 January 2012 9:21PM
This is the sort of article you only meet in the Guardian once every 38 minutes
10 January 2012 9:22PM
as in.....duh, i thin the democrates are the better of the two because they say things i wanna hear. Ultimately both parties are really the same in policy, the other chaps just make you feel better.
10 January 2012 9:22PM
you missed one there, Lizz
come on please, some Republican: tell me how you can have secular atheist country (which I'd very much like) that is "dominated by Islamists" (i.e. dominated by non-secular anti-atheist religious people, much like the Christian right) which I don't and wouldn't like at all.
slight contradiction there, isn't there?
(please note, "dominated" by Islamists is not the same as tolerating the idiots, any more than tolerating Christian or Jewish idiots should mean being dominated by them)
10 January 2012 9:24PM
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10 January 2012 9:25PM
These politicans make George W. Bush seem like a wise man.
10 January 2012 9:27PM
The race for the Republican nomination met Poe's Law, took it out for a drink, and is now in the midst of a year-long shag fest with it.
10 January 2012 9:28PM
I have to say the atheist radical Islamists scare the bejesus out of me!
10 January 2012 9:33PM
He failed at all those things, eh? By what criteria? If you're going to dismiss someone's entire career, please back your points up with research. As for reading speeches, which presidents in recent memory - or ever - have both written their own and delivered them from memory? Get a clue. Or, even better, a coherent argument.
10 January 2012 9:35PM
The idea is that those with strong beliefs will dominate those without.
I don't necessarily agree, but that is the argument.
Also Ron Paul's position is that the individual states should be free to make different laws about sexual matters, which is consistent with libertarianism, and Mitt Romney was making a perfectly reasonable comment that taxing corporations is not a magic solution that hurts nobody, since corporations are composed of people and....
... yeah whatever never mind. Wake me when the next unforgettable CiF article on the Republican lineup arrives at around 10.12 pm
10 January 2012 9:39PM
Yes, it's a great copy of the standard Guardian article on the US election.
10 January 2012 9:45PM
If they're so unforgettable, why are you here?
10 January 2012 9:45PM
Do I detect a certain barely-unvoiced tension in Ms. Winstead's article? It certainly does seem to protrude.
I did quite enjoy the piece, though; certainly an entertaining little diversion. Though in reference to her last paragraph, I'd prefer hearing about all of the mentioned varieties. Just perhaps not from stodgy, middle-aged, repressed old men.
10 January 2012 9:46PM
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10 January 2012 9:49PM
Really? I think they're all mental and I was still cringing through the majority of the piece. Mostly childish I would have said. Could just be a difference in what makes us laugh I guess.
10 January 2012 9:49PM
made I larf !
10 January 2012 9:53PM
01.) Yes, on the campaign trail, a tired-from-travel Obama said “57” instead of “47” states. A gaff he quickly made fun of himself for making. Is Bush still misunderestimating how our children are learning? He’s an Ivy Leaguer too, ya know.
02.) Nobody’s against Americans espousing their religious views. The problem lies in these extremists and their ilk forcing their views on the rest of us in the forms of laws. What about that religious freedom you mention?
03.) I lived in Massachusetts for the entirety of Mitt’s governorship. He was a joke. He spent huge chunks of time flying around the nation badmouthing Massachusetts. He did manage to craft a system that’s pretty close to the “Obamacare” you probably fear more than cancer.
10 January 2012 9:53PM
Why does Will Smith keep going I Am Legend.?
Because hope springs eternal in the human breast, even when surrounded by zombie breasts. (So to speak. Not a nice image.)
And he likes blowing them up with claymore mines, of course.
10 January 2012 9:56PM
Typhaeon:
It is possible: many of those quoted are clearly detached from reality. Given that they are contesting the most powerful office in the world, with implications for everybody, I think a lot of people are anxious.
I think Tom Chivers has probably called it right:
10 January 2012 10:02PM
I hate to break it to you, but sexually repressed gun-crazed religious maniacs are by no means an American monopoly. You will find plenty such in countries such as Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Northern Ireland, Somalia, Iraq, Iran, Sudan, Pakistan, India, Spain, South Africa...
10 January 2012 10:03PM
It's funny because she says "shit"...
10 January 2012 10:04PM
You do know that that film is fiction, right?
Right?