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It’s been one year since I found out I am HIV+, and when I found out I was pregnant with my second son, I cry every day and say that I am going to die. But since I joined a support group I started to say I am going to live my life and nothing going to stop me. My son is HIV- and my baby’s father do a test and he is HIV- too. But I am afraid of telling my family. I am trying hard to disclose to them. All the women who are living with HIV, JUST BE STRONG.

I am a 40 year old female who has been positive since 1988. I was only 18 and had just moved into my first apartment and I was very excited about that. Low and behold there was a guy out there who had been giving every woman he could HIV because someone had given it to him. Well low and behold I happen to be one of those woman. I had just had my 2nd. child and I was very content until he walked into my life. He pulled me in by being very nice to my son so I thought that he was a nice guy. At this time I had never even heard of HIV. I let him spend the night at my house. The next day one of my friends told me that he had that disease that they have no cure for. I was like yeah right because I had never heard of such a disease until I called my mother and told her the story and she almost passed out because she was a nurse’s assistant so she knew just what I was talking about. I went and got tested and low and behold I was positive. I truly tried hiding this from everyone I knew until I stopped taking my meds and ate a piece of half cooked meat and contracted toxoplasmosis and to this day I still have the lesions on my brain which causes me to have short-term memory loss which is awful. One minute someone tell you something and they ask you what they told you the next minute and you don't know what they are talking about. Just imagine living your life everyday like this I struggle with this everyday, all day. Despite it all I try to continue to keep my head up and keep stepping. So to all my sisters with HIV, stay strong.

Greetings ladies!! My name is Shana and I have had an AIDS diagnosis for 17 years. I was infected at the tender age of 21, and now am about to turn 39. I am also a happily married wife and mother of three beautiful children, 18, 9 and 7. My children are my joy and inspiration. Like many of use here on this posting, I never thought I was at risk for HIV... I had never done drugs, dont have any tattoes, and only have my ears pierced. I was not promiscuous in highschool. I was more concerned with preventing pregnancy than worrying about STD's or HIV. The message and media back in those days portrayed that HIV ONLY happened to gay men and IV drug users in large metropolitan area of this country, not here, and I never saw a story of a hetero, non drug using woman. I simply did not think/believe I was "near" the disease, or at risk for it at all. I had my first boyfriend at age 18. We tried everything to prevent pregnancy; the pill, condoms, spermicide lube, diaphrags, sponges...but we got pregnant anyway. He left shortly after our son was born. So I enrolled in a pre-med program in University, aspiring to someday be a Doctor. There, I met my second boyfriend. I thought if you ask a guy if he "has anything," that he will tell the truth. He did not, he withheld his HIV status and I jumped into the relationship blindly believing his words and only taking the pill for pregnancy prevention. We dated just short of one year. When I broke up with him because of his drinking, he disclosed to me "you cannot leave me, not now. I have AIDS and now, so do you. I needed someone to die with and I picked you." I didn't believe him. The breakup-day turned violent and ugly and he was removed from the property via the sherrifs department. I never saw him after that ever again. A girlfriend of mine at school asked if I went and got tested. I explained I had not, that HIV does not happen to "normal people." After much prompting, I finally went, all the while thinking I was never at risk. I thought that because I felt fine, I looked fine, I did not feel sick, that everything would be ok. I tested three times, one after the other, before the news that I was HIV+ would sink in. I was 21 with a 1 yr old baby. Hardest of all, my son had to be tested too, since I had nursed him during the second relationship while I was being infected. Those were the most agonizing, cruel days of my life. Luckily he was HIV- and I vowed then and there I would deal with this disease, no matter what; my son deserved to have a mother and I began the fight of my life. I was sent to an AIDS clinic in my area and when my first CD4's were revealed, it showed that I already had dropped to 189, an AIDS diagnosis.. At first, my family disowned me. They wished to have nothing to do with me. I was an embarrasment to them. The hard part was my father was a doctor and my mother was equally an educated woman. I did not speak to them for 7 long years. I was at my sickest in those years too; lots of bronchitis, sinusitus and pneumo, ear infections, shingles, menengitis, CD4's dropped to 11!!, amazing fatigue, painful nausea, projectile diarrhea, painful vomiting, sight blinding headaches, neuropathy in my hands and feet, cervical cancer, intestinal bacterial infections, and the list goes on and on...All this while trying to raise my son. But bottom line, my truth is that the blessings outweighted my physical nightmare. My HIV community was phenominal, wonderful and embraced me with open arms. My friends all turned out to be true friends. My Doctor was amazing, funny and inspiring. And my native american community taught me to pray, offered me ceremonies, and did the diligent work of teaching me to be positive and hopefull. I leaned how to forgive the man who infected me and my parents for abandoning me. I forgave the greater society for being ignorant because I was at one point in my life too..I survived the ugly years of AIDS till HAART therapy came available. It took five combinations and two years to get my virus under control. I have been undetectable ever since, and my CD4's rose from the depths to a happy 525. I eventually met my husband and disclosing my status was easy, since I was also an activist and public speaker. He understood and accepted everything. We successfully had two beautiful daughters who are HIV- and so is he. My son turned 18 this winter, a day many people thought I might never live to see... I atest my survival to my coviction to being spiritually grounded and medically adherant and procactive. My life motto is that "Life is not about waiting for the Storm to pass, it is about learning how to Dance in the Rain." If I can do it, live through it, survive through it, grow stronger from it, heal from it....so can you. Much love and Light to you all!!

When I was 24 and 2 months pregnant with my first daughter, I was told I was HIV-positive. I broke down in tears. I thought that I was going to have to abort my baby and live my life as fast as possible. I went through all the stages of loss. My biggest problem was finding out how I got it. I had no idea and I was so scared. I still don’t know how I got it. I still cry everyday and I still have problems taking my medications. But I do have 2 healthy daughters since my diagnoses and I have a fiancé who is negative and who loves me for me. I am currently healthy and the virus level is undetectable but I fear going for my test results every time.

I found out my sister has tested positive and she has been living with my husband, daughter, grandson, and I for three years now. My sister is in denial, saying it’s a mistake. She just cries and takes medication for pain. My sister had unprotected sex last year with an old boyfriend. All she is thinking about is how she feels about that and will not tell him. I am at my wits end. I love my sister and stepped up when my other family members stepped out. Right now she hides in her room and is losing weight. As a caregiver, I need time every now and then with my new husband of three years. He loves me enough to let my sister be with us, but we get so tired, frustrated, sad, and angry at those who treat us as lepers because she is with us. We do not get company. I ask myself "Am I strong enough?" or “Lord what have you got for us today?” “Do you still love me?” My sister asks. I say of course or something sarcastic or funny. Anyone have any helpful hints or a good book that deals with this? Maybe I should write one. I have "The Band Played On," first edition. I do not have time for books as I used to. I’m trying to live in the moment for now. Peace out!

I just turned 26 and I have HIV. When I first found out I nearly passed out because I could not believe a thing like this was happening to me. I remember going in the room to get the results and the lady had a look on her face and I told her that I don't sit down for this kind of info. She said, ‘Do you think you may have put yourself at risk?’ I said, ‘No. Why?’ She said, ‘You tested positive.’ In the moment I thought I was dying and it was the end of the world. I did not know what to feel, I did not know who did this to me. All I could think of was that my life was over and who would want me now. After that they sent me to a doctor for HIV and they kept on telling me I was not going to die but I did not believe them. They sent my labs for my CD4 count it was 264. I was even more traumatized because I was even surer I was dying. My doctor put me on medication. I remember my first time taking the pill I even I thought I was going to die from the meds but I had nothing to lose. I felt I was dead inside and I had no feeling anymore. I told my boyfriend and he did not care about it. I just wanted to be accepted because I thought I was not going to find another man that would love me with this monstrous disease. Well four long months later he tested negative. Yes I am still very stressed out but I take it one day at a time thanks to my god the support lines and my boyfriend. My CD4 is now 500 and I am undetectable and that was only 5 weeks on meds. Have faith and stay positive!

My name is CM, l will be turning 36 this year of our Lord 2009. I work with an Non Governmental Organisation in Zimbabwe. I tested positive in August 2007. I have two kids, a daughter and a son turning 16 and 10 respectively this year. Their father passed away in the year 2001, after being diagnosed with pneumonia. He was not tested for HIV and neither was I. I got into a relationship with new man in 2002 and also got a bit careless in the process by involving myself with another man. I realised that l was putting myself at a greater risk of infection or re-infection and dropped the second relationship, especially when l discovered that he had a son who was HIV positive. I later on learned that this man died in 2004, while his son passed away in 2003. It was a difficult time for me; l was too scared to share this with friends so l just kept it to myself. I continued my relationship with the other man but somehow l just felt that l needed to know my HIV status. I never faced any health problems until 2006 when l started developing some boils, one after the other. I remember suggesting to the doctor, a white doctor, who laughed at me when l suggested an HIV test for myself, because, according to him l looked healthy. He however went on to give me the laboratory forms to go for a test. I did not go immediately because l just thought that since the doctor did not suspect it then why bother. The following year, 2007, l had two other big boils on my bottom and leg. It was at that time when the crisis was at its peak in Zimbabwe. l could not even get betadine to treat my wound since l did not want to go to the doctor because it was going to turn out to be too expensive. Because the wound would not heal, l had to go to my regular doctor, who then treated me and suggested an HIV test. I told her that l already had the laboratory form from last year. I went for the test and it turned out to be positive. My world stopped for a moment, it was difficult to digest. I received counseling from my doctor, then went home. I had to tell my partner about the results, and I did not know where to start from. When l told him he got really angry and upset, and he told me that l had been irresponsible and refused to talk to me for a month. In the meantime l went for my CD4 count which was 120 and had to start the treatment. The doctor advised me that it was going to be expensive since l was going to pay for my own drugs; the government scheme would mean waiting for 2 or 3 years to get treatment. The fortunate part is that l have a good job that pays in foreign currency so l can afford it even up to now. I had to get the courage to do counseling for my partner, and I encouraged him to go for a test and suggested that we practice safe sex. This improved our relationship. My partner went for the test three times and it turned out that he is negative. I was very relieved to hear that he is negative since l was going to feel bad for having infected him. My partner has been a pillar of strength and support to me and my kids, we are happy and l am taking my drugs religiously. I have to buy my drugs from South Africa since it has been difficult to transact in Zimbabwe due to the ever spiraling inflation. I cannot also have regular CD4 count and viral load tests because of the cost. I am not ready to disclose my status to my children and family for now. I felt so encouraged by the stories that l read from the avert website and would like to encourage other women who don’t know their status to get tested. And encouraged that all people living with HIV and AIDS will live longer lives. God will continue to favour and protect us, the same way that he has given me food in a country that had empty shelves and the same way that he has allowed me to have access to drugs in a country that hit the 2 billion percent inflation mark, AMEN.

I came across your web site and I wanted to share my story. I think it is important that people are aware that heterosexual women can and do contract HIV, even if they believe they are not at risk. I was awoken one morning by the phone. I remember thinking, "If it is important, they will leave a message," and then falling back asleep. Later that day, I noticed the message light blinking on the phone. After a few ordinary messages, a woman from the South Texas Blood and Tissue Center (STBTC) left a message saying that it was very important that I return her phone call today. I thought she might be trying to recruit me as a blood donor again, as I recently had donated blood. In fact, I had already received the letter in the mail, just as they had promised, informing me of my blood type and cholesterol and blood sugar levels. I had already done my duty for the year as far as blood donating was concerned so I didn’t return her call right away. As I ran my errands that afternoon, the message played over and over again in my head. I began to have an unsettling feeling, and I was unsure why. As I hurriedly returned to my apartment, I could hardly wait to return her call. The woman first asked me a few minor questions to confirm that she was speaking to the right person. After a short exchange, she requested that I come into their office to have my blood retested. When I asked the reason, she replied, “You failed the preliminary test for HIV." I dropped the phone and began to sob. My then boyfriend, Lupe, ran over to me, took me into his arms and asked me what was wrong. He handed the phone back to me; however, I cannot recall a thing the woman said. The only thoughts running through my head were about Lupe. If I had contracted this horrible disease, had I passed it on to him? We had been dating for two years at that point, and he had been tested for STDs only the year before at a checkup. His HIV test was negative. But I had not been tested. I called my brother, who is HIV positive. I didn't know where else to turn. He told me if I went back to the STBTC, that it could take as long as four weeks to get results back and I would have to pay for it. He directed me then to the San Antonio Aids Foundation (SAAF). He said they could get the results in days, and it would only cost me $20. Lupe and I arrived at the SAAF the next morning, as soon as the facility opened. A counselor quickly greeted us. The process was explained, and we were given paperwork to fill out. We each were assigned a separate number so that our names would not be used and the test results would be confidential. The nurse who drew my blood could sense I was nervous and began making small talk. I realized that this was the first time I wasn't entirely sure where my future laid. I was about to start nursing school, and now I wasn't so sure this would happen. The nurse told me that he was HIV-positive, and he said nothing should stop me from pursuing my education. He said, "Even if your results come back positive, you will have an illness, you won't be dead." I had a million things running through my head. I still had concerns about Lupe and whether he would be okay, if in fact my results were positive. I pondered about school. And most of all, I questioned how this could happen to me. I have an older brother who is HIV positive and had educated myself about HIV and AIDS. At that moment I realized that having all the tools and using all of the tools are two separate entities. I was quite wild just a few years earlier. My early twenties were spent out and about – lots of parties, lots of clubs, lots of new people, and I hate to admit it, but a few one night stands that were entered into unprotected. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I wasn't thinking, that was part of the problem. Just being young and dumb with no regards to anything, and I guess, no regard for my life and future. We returned to the SAAF on Monday. A counselor met us at the front desk. He asked Lupe to come in first; I found that very strange, as I had gone in first to have my blood drawn and my number was first. I asked if I could come in and "confidentiality" was all that was said as the door closed. I suppose that was the first time that I realized that I was positive. I believe they called Lupe in first to inform him of his negative results so that when I came out with my positive results, he did not go into shock waiting for his answer. Where do I go from here? I had no idea where to start or whom to turn to. I returned to my home in Del Rio at a completely different place in my life than the few days earlier when I left. I didn't even know where to start. I did not have health insurance. I had only moved to Del Rio the year before and was working at a small mom and pop owned restaurant that didn't offer benefits. How was I going to pay for a doctor or the medication? Where would I even find a doctor like that in such a small town? What if someone finds out about me? I picked up the phone book and located the local health department. I thought they may be able to help. I learned that the local health department could not help me and that Del Rio doesn't really have community services such as those available in San Antonio. Del Rio doesn’t even have an infectious disease doctor. But the health department was able to refer me to services in another town, which provides counseling, case management, housing funds, transportation services, and medication assistance to HIV positive clients. I quickly phoned their office, and asked to speak to the man I was referred to, Gustavo. I was transferred to him without delay. Gustavo answered the phone with a jovial "Hello." I remember wondering why he was so happy as I told my sad story, once again. Gustavo immediately said, "We can help you. No problem. When can you come to meet with me?" I told him I would come as soon as he could see me. He was ready right then. As we sat in front of Gustavo, he appeared to look puzzled. I guess I did not look like a typical HIV positive individual. I think I may have been his first female client. We talked for hours, and of course he was curious as to how I had contracted HIV. I have never used drugs, with a needle or otherwise, and had never been a “sex worker." I had, however, had unprotected sex. I also had multiple tattoos and body piercings, which I learned poses a very small risk of contracting the virus if the equipment is not sterile. Likely culprit: stupidity and alcohol leading to unprotected sex. Not a good combination. I am living positive, as well as healthy and happy. I am 43 days away from being married to my soul mate, Clyde. We have a wonderful life, and I am also finishing my book and my education. Thanks for the opportunity to share my story.