Building the Resilience of Your Military Family

As a member of a military family, you know that service members, their spouses, and their children are likely to have significant stress in their lives at one time or another. And the possibility of having to deal with serious adversity is always present. Long deployment separations, difficult post-deployment adjustments, frequent moves, and major life changes caused by combat-related trauma or loss are just a few sources of stress and adversity for military families. While most families do very well managing the unique demands of military life, you may have noticed that some people and even entire families seem to be especially able to keep moving forward during periods of high stress and to recover from traumatic experiences. The following information will help you understand the concept of resilience and how you can work to nurture it in your family.

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What is resilience?

Resilience is the ability to withstand, overcome, and adapt in positive ways to an immediate crisis or an ongoing challenge. Being resilient doesn't mean that a person avoids emotional pain and suffering when faced with a crisis. Instead, it means that he or she is able to recover and perhaps grow even stronger from the experience. Experts are beginning to find answers to questions about what makes some people more resilient than others and identify things we can do to increase resilience in ourselves and our families.

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Characteristics of resilient families

In Strengthening Family Resilience, 2nd ed. (The Guilford Press, 2006), resilience specialist Dr. Froma Walsh identified nine characteristics that resilient families have in common. These characteristics reveal the family belief systems, organizational patterns, and communication/problem solving skills that foster resilience in adults and children.

• Making meaning of adversity. Resilient families view crises as shared challenges that together they can understand, manage, and make meaningful in some way. They see their emotions as human and understandable under the circumstances and believe in their ability to learn from their experiences and move forward.
• Positive outlook. Resilient families have an optimistic rather than pessimistic view of life. Members see each other's strengths and offer encouragement for overcoming difficulties as well as accepting what can't be changed.
• Transcendence and spirituality. Resilient families have beliefs and values that provide meaning, purpose, and connection beyond their personal lives and their troubles. They find strength and comfort through their cultural and religious traditions, and they experience spiritual inspiration in a variety of ways, including nature, the arts, service to others, and faith in a higher power.
• Flexibility. Resilient families adapt to change. They're able to adjust their family roles and rules to fit new challenges in their lives while maintaining the rituals and traditions that provide stability in their relationships. Their flexibility depends upon strong yet nurturing leadership, guidance, and protection of children and mutual respect in the marital relationship.
• Connectedness. Resilient families pull together during times of crisis. They are able to function as a team and support each other while respecting individual needs, differences, and boundaries.
• Social and economic resources. Resilient families reach out for help when they can't solve problems on their own by turning to extended family friends, neighbors, community services, and/or counseling.
• Open emotional sharing. Resilient families accept and encourage a wide range of emotional expression (joy, sadness, fear, silliness, etc.) in adults and children. Family members take responsibility for their own feelings and accept others who have different feelings. They value positive interactions and appreciate humor, even as they cope with difficult circumstances.
• Clarity. Resilient families practice clear, consistent, and honest communication. Family members say what they mean and mean what they say; thus they avoid vague, confusing, or mixed messages to each other.
• Collaborative problem solving. Resilient families manage their difficulties by working together to understand a problem and to identify ways to solve it. They make decisions together in ways that allow family members to disagree openly, then resolve those disagreements through negotiation, compromise, and give-and take. These families seek to repair the hurts and misunderstandings that go along with conflicts and act proactively to solve current problems and prevent future ones. They also learn from their mistakes.

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Increasing your family's resilience

These characteristics of resilient families represent ideals that individuals and couples can have as goals to work toward and that parents can teach to children. The more you're able to make them your own habits and patterns of family interaction, the more resilient your family is likely to be when faced with difficulties.

If you're currently coping with a stressful situation such as the deployment of a loved one to a combat area or caring for a wounded warrior; or if you're suffering from a loss or dealing with a crisis of any kind, there are things you can start doing right now to strengthen your own resilience and model resilience for your children. The American Psychological Association (APA), in its publication The Road to Resilience, recommends ten ways to become more resilient when dealing with stress or adversity.

• Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.
• Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.
• Accept that change is part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can change.
• Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that helps you move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, "What's one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?"
• Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
• Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, a greater sense of personal strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality, and heightened appreciation for life.
• Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
• Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
• Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try to visualize what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
• Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

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Raising resilient children

Different factors, including temperament and intelligence, influence children's resilience when they're faced with stress or adversity. But no influence is more important than the parenting they receive. When parents model and teach to their children the habits characteristic of resilient families, the children will already have many of the skills needed to cope with difficult situations when they occur. Still, during difficult times, children need additional support and attention from parents, even as the parents are dealing with the same difficulties.

You can help to build resilience in your children during times of stress or adversity by giving them as much of your time as you can. When you're with your children, encourage communication by listening to their concerns and answering their questions with openness, honesty, and reassurance. You may find the APA's Resilience in a Time of War series helpful if your children are dealing deployment-related issues. It offers tips for helping children at different developmental stages (preschool, school-age, and teen) to manage their feelings and build on their strengths. (See resources below.)

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Asking for help

Even when you know that support from others will strengthen your resilience, you may still find it difficult to ask for help. It's normal for people to not want to burden others with their troubles or to feel ashamed if they aren't coping as well as they think they should. But dealing with stress or adversity alone can drain your resilience instead of strengthening it. So when you know you need help, don't wait to ask for it.

Beyond family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers, you can also look to your community (civilian or military) for support and for opportunities to share your experiences with those in similar situations. Military family support groups through your unit or installation can connect you with other military family members. Military chaplains and members of the clergy in your community can help you get involved with a faith-based support group. Your installation Family Support Center or National Guard Family Assistance Center (see resources below) can help you locate a self-help group or program in your community that's right for you. You may find that there are many people who are eager to help, but they need your guidance about how to go about it.

Sometimes a crisis can overwhelm even the most resilient person and stop him or her from moving forward. If you feel that your ability to function and take care of your everyday responsibilities is impaired, then it's important for you to get help from a mental health professional. They're trained to help people who feel "stuck" or overwhelmed to develop new strategies and take actions necessary to start moving again.

An easy way to get connected to the professional help that best meets your needs is to call Military OneSource at 1-800-342-9647 and speak with a consultant. The consultant will work with you to assess your need for counseling or other services and connect you with qualified professionals in your area.

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Resources

The American Psychological Association (APA) Help Center

www.apa.org/helpcenter/

The APA Help Center is an online resource for information on psychological issues that affect emotional and physical well-being. On this website, you can download the Resilience in a Time of War series of brochures. Look for the resilience information under "Family and Relationships" and "Military."

Your military support services

Each service branch sponsors information and support programs for service members and their families. You can call or visit any installation Army Community Service Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Fleet and Family Support Center, or Airman and Family Readiness Center regardless of your branch affiliation.

If you aren't near an installation, National Guard Family Assistance Centers are available in every state. The Local Community Resource Finder on the National Guard Family Program at www.jointservicessupport.org will identify your closest center.

Military OneSource

This free 24-hour service is available to all active duty, Guard, and Reserve members (regardless of activation status) and their families. Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues, including parenting, deployment, reintegration, and stress. Free face-to-face counseling sessions (and their equivalent by phone or online) are also available. Call 1-800-342-9647 or go to www.militaryonesource.mil to learn more.

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