Parents of children 13-17 years old often don’t know how to distinguish signs of substance use from “typical” teenage behavior. Nonetheless, if there is no reason to suspect drinking or drug use, do not assume that it is occurring. Not all adolescents drink or use drugs.
If you think your child is using alcohol or other drugs, start by trying to talk about substance use in general. Does your child think that some use is OK, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand, and that adolescence is a time of experimentation during which substance use should be encouraged? Or does your child think that teens should be discouraged from experimenting because the behavior involves risks? Make sure you listen carefully. Share your own views only after you have fully heard from your child.
Getting to know your teenager’s friends will help. If the friends seem trustworthy, that’s an added reason to trust your child. Participating in positive activities lowers the chances of gravitating toward substance use.
Also, understand your teenager’s general behavior. Is your child someone who generally follows rules and understands their value, or who pushes the limits and violates rules?
Read these questions and answers to get a better idea on how to understand, manage and help your teen.
- Should I monitor my child?
- If I know my child is using drugs, should I alert the principal or the guidance counselor -- or try to keep the information from the people at school?
- Should I try to make my teen give up friends?
- What limits should I set?
- What should the penalties be for violation of those limits?
Should I monitor my child?
Monitoring is an effective way you can help your teen or tween stay drug-free, and an important thing to do — even if you don't suspect your teen is using drugs. The idea of "monitoring" your tween or teen may sound sinister, but it's actually a very simple idea that leads to great things: You know where your child is at all times (especially after school), you know his friends, and you know his plans and activities. By staying in-the-know about your child's daily schedule, you're taking an important step in keeping your child drug-free. Kids who are not regularly monitored are four times more likely to use drugs.
Because monitoring conflicts with your child's desire to be independent, he is likely to resist your attempts to find out the details of his daily whereabouts. Don't let this deter you from your goal. He may accept the idea more easily if you present it as a means of ensuring safety or interest in who he is and what he likes to do, rather than as a means of control. You need to be prepared for your child's resistance — because the rewards of monitoring are proven.
The most important time of day to monitor is after school from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Kids are at the greatest risk for abusing drugs during these hours. Call your child's school to find out about adult-supervised activities he can take part in during these hours. Encourage him to get involved with youth groups, art or music programs, organized sports, community service, or academic clubs. Follow up with your child to make sure he is actually going to the program he has chosen.
For more information on Monitoring, visit our Tips for Raising Drug-Free Teens section.
If I know my child is using drugs, should I alert the principal or the guidance counselor -- or try to keep the information from the people at school?
Before discussing the situation with anyone at the school, it can help to seek assistance from a professional who has experience with adolescent substance use, such as a mental health professional, family therapist, pediatrician or family physician, substance use counselor, or employee assistance professional. Ask for an in-person evaluation with your child, or a meeting to discuss your concerns and get advice about how to proceed. Perhaps counseling, a support group, or a treatment program is warranted.
If your child refuses help and continues to use substances, contacting the school is an option, but should be used with great caution. School officials want to keep alcohol and other drugs off school premises, and ensure that students are not coming to school high or using during school. They are required to punish students who violate these rules by suspending or expelling them. Notifying the school about your teen’s behavior will likely put them on a ‘to be watched’ list.
Other times the school is the immediate source of feedback on problems – drugs or alcohol found in lockers or used during the school day, etc. and you’ll need to speak with someone at the school right away. The school may have resources available to help, such as a staff substance abuse counselor who can work with your child. For some teens, this strategy can be very positive -- school authorities’ monitoring can give you concrete help in keeping a child with a problem on track in changing his behavior. Some children, however, need to suffer serious consequences before they will seek or accept help.
Should I try to make my teen give up friends?
It is very difficult to get teens to give up their friends. However, you can express your concerns. Tell your child what it is about the friend that worries you. Support developing a variety of friends and not relying too much on any one. Remember that teen drug use is basically a social behavior. If you know certain friends of theirs are using substances, minimize your child’s social contact with those friends by not giving them car rides, allowing visits or sleepovers with them or attendance at parties where they will be involved. This will send a strong message to your own child about how seriously you take health risks of substances.
On the other hand, go out of your way to encourage and facilitate your child’s contact with any friends who you believe are not using substances. These ties can be all incredibly important support for a child trying to change his behavior.
What limits should I set?
Work at setting limits only on behaviors you can control. For example, a rule that a teen cannot smoke pot is nearly impossible to enforce, but a rule that says a teen who gets caught smoking pot will be grounded or cannot use the family car for a month is one that you can enforce.
What should the penalties be for violation of those limits?
Choose consequences that can be applied without express¬ing a lot of critical or angry feelings. Parents frequently be¬tray their sense of helplessness by resorting to angry out¬bursts that are much more punitive than a consequence administered without anger or rage.
A relatively short-term punishment carried out to the letter is much more effective than a long-term punishment that parents eventually ignore because they feel guilty.
Make sure the penalties can be enforced by you on a practical basis – if they involve supervision or monitoring, change them for times you can be there.
If your child continues to violate limits, impose more severe consequences.
(Source: PDFA: www.drugfree.org)