25 Things Chris Brown Wants for Christmas
As you know, Chris Brown and I are buddies on Twitter. Which is to say I make fun of him a lot and he presumably has no idea I exist. But I only do it because he’s such a terrible person. He is. Objectively. Because of this relationship we have, I was able to snag this sneak peek at Brown’s Christmas list. Isn’t that amazing and yet very believable? Of course!
By:Ian Fortey|December 6, 2012
The Morning Jolt: More Irish Rap
To this day, every time I hear a song this awful by some poor kid on Youtube, I never know if they're sincere or just messing with me. Anyway, it's more Yasha Swag. Those words mean nothing.
By:Ian Fortey|December 6, 2012
Pigs vs Scientology
Pigs are the most maligned of all animals on Earth. Their very name is an insult, they wallow in filth and more than on major world religion forbids eating them at all. Not a lot of animals get damned by God. And speaking of religion, Scientology is one of the world’s most maligned religions, assuming you live in a country that considers it a religion and not a cult. But which is more worthy of your attention? Are pigs better than Scientology? Does comparing these two things even make sense? Stop asking foolish questions and put on your reading pants! It’s on!
By:Ian Fortey|December 5, 2012
The Morning Jolt: The Worst Video You Will See Today
You would literally need to sit down with a team of tasteless, tone deaf nincompoops to even conceive of planning to make a worse video than this shit sandwich.
By:Ian Fortey|December 5, 2012
The Inner Monologue of Carrot Top While He’s Performing
Alright, good looking crowd tonight, I like that. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh cthulhu r'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming!
By:Ian Fortey|December 4, 2012
Mocking Dead: The Walking Dead Recap (Mid Season Finale)
OMG, fog and a scream! And zombie feet! It’s a great day to be a zombie. Also, this chick is so sloppy looking even for a zombie, but what the hell is this? Who are these people? This show has no rules at all. New people run and then…are they at the prison? I really never looked at the prison before, is it red brick? I don’t pay attention to fine details, I’m a big picture guy.
By:Ian Fortey|December 3, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Rat Kicker
So this guy kicks that rat at that other guy and I laughed.
By:Ian Fortey|December 3, 2012
Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 30th
I’m pretty convinced that no one cares but I would like to let you know that I don’t see these movies after I review them either. Sometimes I will, maybe once a month, but then other movies I’ll never watch. Like last week, Silver Linings Playbook? I’m never going to see that.
By:Ian Fortey|November 30, 2012
The Morning Jolt: Hookers Acting Out Braveheart
Everything about this entire video is hard to believe.
By:Ian Fortey|November 30, 2012
How to Make Love
So, you’ve decided to stick it to genetics and luck and try your hand at sweet, sweet coitus, good for you. The sex act, or porking, is one of the most satisfying ways to spend a commercial break man has ever devised. It provides a level of closeness, understanding and funny crotch feelings that few other activities that don’t involve pharmaceuticals or Fleshlights can hope to accomplish.
By:Ian Fortey|November 29, 2012
The Amazing World of Judith Vigna
Children’s books generally fall into one of three categories; they’re either goofy and pointless, simplistic versions of adult stories or they’re education disguised as entertainment. Nearly any kids book you can think of can be categorized in those ways
By:Ian Fortey|November 28, 2012
The Worst Thing Ever
I want you to look at something and know that it’s not my fault. I didn’t do this. I wouldn’t do this. But it’s a thing that happened and I never knew about it until just now, two years after the fact. Just look.
By:Ian Fortey|November 27, 2012
The Morning Jolt: The Spider Warrior
Is the est part of this video that Beardo has a meltdown over a spider? That he uses brass knuckles? Or the very end? It's hard to decide. Let's ask mom. Mom? MOM!
By:Ian Fortey|November 27, 2012
Mocking Dead: The Walking Dead Recap (S3 E7)
Poor Glenn, captured by Merle and ready to be tortured or whatever. And Glenn’s a pussy so you know this isn’t going to end well. I don’t mean that in a mean way, he’s heroic in a sneaky way. But like, face to face heroics? Nah.
By:Ian Fortey|November 26, 2012
Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 23
Most movies this week came out on Wednesday instead of Friday because Black Friday cannot be interrupted for any reason and we’re all disgusting people. God forbid you can’t stream into Best Buy like pigs being let into a feeding pen so you can get $50 off of a TV you don’t need because let’s be honest, the people who camp out to get TVs clearly already have plenty of TVs at home, and probably a lot of Slim Jims.
By:Ian Fortey|November 23, 2012
Thanksgiving for Cool Kids
So Thanksgiving is here and you don’t want to cook a turkey. Do you have a turkey? Well hey, maybe you should also go get some sweet and sour tongue and maybe cabbage soup because your dinner is already shit on a plate, no need to put in any more effort or anything is there, Chef Boyardee?
By:Ian Fortey|November 22, 2012
Daily Links
Best of Taco
Holy links
Popular Tacos
- The Douchiest Phone Message In History
- 25 Creepy Mall Santas
- The Greatest Snack Food Stadium Ever Built
- The Morning Jolt: Ass on the Internet
- How To Be A Homemade Superhero
- The Policeman’s Guide to Protest Crowd Control (Abridged Edition)
- 5 Great Snack Foods For Latchkey Kids
- The Fleshlight Box Incident: Aftermath
- The Fleshlight Box Incident
- Hot Chicks Love the Top Gun Song
