Podcast Transcript: 'Worth the Wait'

Date: 04/17/2009 | Time: 12:21 | Size: 11.3 MB
Three young men and a youth development expert advise abstinence educators on how to best reach teen guys with the abstinence message.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  Welcome to the Positive Youth Development podcast series by the Family and Youth Services Bureau within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The series is produced by the National Clearinghouse on Families and Youth. I'm DeQuendre Bertrand, a writer/editor with the Clearinghouse.
 
KEVIN:  I'm proud to say that I'm still a virgin. I'm not married yet. And I am saving myself for marriage. That's awesome. And I'm really proud of that.
 
TIMOTHY:  Recognizing the differences in what guys get out of sex and what girls get out of sex and how you're really not giving her what she wants out of a relationship by being sexually active with her and you're actually not caring for her.
 
DEREK:  Well, the main thing that we all have is choice. We have the power to choose. And we have to raise the standards for ourselves.  
 
LAMAR:  Guys, I've got to tell you something. And, guys, this is a real man talking to you. And as a real man, I want to let you young men know that having sex does not make you a man.  
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  The Family & Youth Services Bureau runs the Community-Based Abstinence Education program which supports organizations in delivering the abstinence message to youth, aged twelve to eighteen around the country.  The program motivates young people to consider the social, psychological and physical health gains that come from abstaining from sexual activity. 
 
We spoke with three young men, Kevin, Timothy and Derek about their choices to remain abstinent, And in one case to return to abstinence.  They went through abstinence education programs in high school.  And today, they all speak to other teens about healthy relationships and choosing abstinence.  We also spoke to Lamar Collins, head of the Collins Education Group who frequently speaks on youth development and abstinence. 
 
Each of them shed light on how they dealt with the pressure to have sex, how the important adults in their lives dealt with these issues.  And they each imparted some valuable lessons about how abstinence educators should tailor their messages to best reach young men based on their experiences.
 
KEVIN:  It's tough being a teenager and choosing to be abstinent and choosing to up the standards when you go to school or you go to hang out with your friends and everybody's telling you that it's not cool. But if you have friends that believe the same thing as you and friends that are also abstinent, it can be not hard at all.
 
TIMOTHY:  I grew up in a culture and an environment where abstinence was just kind of the normal thing.  It was expected.  It's just a church environment.  While that was the expectation on my life.  There's really no tool, there's no equipping on showing me how to work that out.  And so, you know, kind of one of the things that I believe is that any unguided kid will just kind of naturally find his way towards sexual activity. And that's what happened to me. 
 
In high school, I had a girlfriend.  And, you know, after about a year and a half of trying to be abstinent, we finally broke that promise. And she ended up getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. That was one of the worst experiences I've ever had to go through. 
 
DEREK:  I had a friend sometime ago. And he told me that he wanted to marry a virgin. But the problem was he was sleeping around with a different girl once a week. I asked him what makes you think that girl, this virgin, will want to marry you when you've been sleeping around? Who knows what you've got?
 
LAMAR:  And a friend of mine had three children in six months. And I said to myself, oh, my goodness. If I do what he's doing, the same thing could very well happen to me. I said I am not going to have sexual activity. And so I know it's possible, not because of what somebody else has said, but because of what I've done.
 
MS. DeQUENDRE BERTRAND:  The first lesson is ensuring that men are doing the talking. But it's also important for young people to see youth like themselves who are abstinent and to have other healthy relationships being modeled for them.
 
DEREK:  Someone must meet them on their level.  Men will listen to other men. It's that simple.
 
KEVIN:  So I would say get some positive male leaders or older adults, mentors, have them just hang out with the kids who are teenagers. They need that strong male role model to look up to, someone who's making the right choices and has a healthy family and is doing it right, you know?
 
LAMAR:  I think it would be beneficial if you could find husband and wife teams to go out and talk to kids.  And when kids see a healthy relationship, it means so much more than telling them they can have a healthy relationship.  I think having kids who are abstinent and have them talk about their decision to be abstinent is very important. And one of the most important components we can't leave out is the parental component.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  The next step is to remember to make the message relevant and engaging. Don't talk down to young men. And don't try to scare them with facts and figures about STDs and pregnancy.
 
TIMOTHY:  The people I would have trusted are the guys in my life who were in their, you know, mid to late twenties.  They were good guys.
 
KEVIN:  Make abstinence appealing in any way you can.  Because let's face it, abstinence is not considered the coolest thing to do, you know.  For example, when I was in the Ridge Project, it seemed cool to me there because in that group all the kids got together and we just talked about being abstinent. And we encouraged each other.  And it was like when I was in that environment, abstinence was the cool things to do.
 
LAMAR:  There are a lot of guys out there who want to be successful in the future.  And I think that when we approach it from that way, not in the sense of don't have sex, don't have sex, but in the sense of, listen.  Why don't you prepare a productive future for yourself?  I don't think it's hard at all.  I go to the poorest of the poor urban schools and I go to the richest of the rich schools. And the message is the same. But the delivery is very different. So when I go to urban schools, I may throw some hip hop lyrics in there.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  The guys all said it was important to acknowledge the peer pressure they face.
 
DEREK:  Show that you're serious about the topic. If they see that you're serious and if they respect you, they won't cross the line that you have set.
 
KEVIN:  I'm abstinent.  I'm not going to have sex until I'm married.  They had to respect that.  I mean, because I'm ... I wasn't going to back down, give in, just because someone tells me that it's not cool.
 
TIMOTHY:  When I go to a school, you know, all the kids whether they agree with me or not, they're a lot quicker to respect my decision. Because they see I'm actually passionate about it. And it's not just something I'm doing. It's something I'm being forward about. I think for me it's just being confident in the message when you talk about it with your friends, when you talk about your relationship. But you also say, yeah. I mean, now that I'm abstinent, I mean, I'm finding I'm really actually able to get close to my girlfriend in a way that's way more fulfilling than sexual activity is.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  We asked the guys to walk us through a conversation they've had with a young man to encourage him to wait to have sex.
 
LAMAR:  It's not that you don't want it right now.  It's not that you can't have it right now.  I'm simply suggesting that it's not time. The ten most important years in a person's life are the years from fifteen to twenty-five. If an individual makes good decisions between fifteen and twenty-five, they are setting themselves up for great success in life.
 
TIMOTHY:  You know, usually what I'll do, I'll ask them, well, why is it okay for you to be sexually active?  And why is this good for you?  Why is this good for your relationship?  How is it good for your relationship? You cannot force a kid to think any certain way. You just have to give them the option to think about it, to really embrace the message for themselves.
 
KEVIN:  I mean, I could tell them that being abstinent is so free. You don't have to worry about your girlfriend getting pregnant. You don't have to worry about STDs, you know.  And it's also it's just about your character, you know.  If you can say that you're waiting until marriage I mean, if you can do that, you can do a lot. Because it's hard.  And it’s saying that I'm worth so much more than, you know, one night of pleasure, one brief moment of pleasure. I'm worth the wait.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  Each of the guys said abstinent educators need to reach the young men who have already had sex because they can renew their commitment to abstinence.
 
LAMAR:  Renewed abstinence is when an individual has been sexually active. And then they may say, you know what?  I've seen what happens when people are sexually active.  They get STDs. They may get someone pregnant. Or even if none of that happens, there are emotional issues that people have to deal with. But now that I have better information, I'm going to make better choices.
 
DEREK:  People shouldn't think they have lost their worth because they've given up their bodies.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  Timothy wanted practitioners to know that although the abstinence movement is for everyone, some students feel being left out of the discussion.
 
TIMOTHY:  How do we embrace and encounter the homosexual community?  And I know this is a very touchy issue.  You know, you can get lost in the conversation for a while.  But I know it's definitely a conversation that each individual company needs to have. Well, this is our response to a homosexual person. And this is how we, you know, how we draw them in. 
 
And I know that there are a myriad of kids out there who are ashamed and afraid to come out and talk about just who they are and who are unwilling to be mentored because they don't feel like they have a place in an abstinence education. Because, well, I can't get married. So why would I come talk to these people?  We need to have a place in our hearts and we need to have a place in our program for these kids. Because they have just as much value as any other kid.
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  Ultimately, the goal of all practitioners promoting abstinence to young men is to model responsible choices and help build character.
 
LAMAR:  Get them to focus on their future. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? That is so important. See, if we can get them focused on doing the right thing, they're much less likely to do the wrong thing. And so the second thing I said, find someone who would mentor that child and provide a good healthy relationship. A real model is someone who lives down the street from you and they're making good choices.
 
The third thing I want to suggest is idle time engagement.  What are they doing in their idle time? It's been proven that the majority of high school and middle school students have sex immediately following school. The hours between 4:00 and 6:00 when their parents are still at work. Flash!  How about giving them something to do between 4:00 and 6:00? 
 
Every teenager is going to wake up in ten or fifteen years and they're going to say one of two things to themselves.  I am so glad I made good choices. Or they're going to say I wish I had made better choices.  [music]
 
MS. DEQUENDRE BERTRAND:  We would like to thank Kevin and his band "Not Forgotten" for use of music tracks from their upcoming CD. For more abstinence education resources, visit NCFY on the Web at ncfy.acf.hhs.gov. 
 
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